Category: Everything Else
The Internet has proven itself particularly dangerous for That Guy. There are hundreds of YouTube videos made by self-proclaimed female experts, all of whom seem to use lots and lots of accessories.
There are sexperts offering seduction webinars and step-by-step tutorials on “How to Approach the Female Species.” But most bizarrely, there’s also been an explosion of “pick-up artist” websites, due to the popular Neil Strauss book The Game and a reality TV show spin-off. I even had the surreal experience of recognizing a pick-up scheme in an online forum as one I’d once been confronted with at a bar.
In fact, it seems there are are a lot of guys out there who are employing pick-up routines straight from the Internet. Call me naive, but I always thought a lot of the lamer attempts were improvised on the spot. I was shocked and weirded out to realize that That Guy was actually basing his antics on an entire corpus of online literature.
Below, check out 3 Hilarious Ways Men Attempt to Pick-up Women.
Let’s go through some of That Guy’s attempts. Sometimes he is…
The Expert likes to tell you all about…you. He’s an expert on you before he’s even spoken to you. His mission: to distract you with your own self-absorption so much that you won’t even notice that he’s trying to pick you up.
The problem with this guy is that he usually has no idea what he’s talking about. My friend Laura, 24, told me about how a guy who came up to her one night in a club. “The music was really loud. He had to yell in order to be heard. It wasn’t the ideal setting for a conversation,” she said. “But he insisted. He really wanted to know what my birthday was. I told him, ‘I’m a Gemini. What are you?’ ‘No,’ he kept saying ‘Like, what’s your birthday? Your actual birthdate.’ Finally I told him. ‘January 14.’ ‘What year?’ he asked. ‘I’m 24,’ I told him. He took a little while to do the math and then started talking about what my ‘number’ was. He said he studied numerology. Then he started telling me I was a 5 or a 4 and that that meant I had a sensitive personality. He was telling me some crap about how I was a quiet girl but he could see I had a lot to say. He went on and on about it. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise to tell him I had no interest.”
…The Bad Cop/Good Cop
The Bad Cop/Good Cop is the most fickle of the pick-up artists. His mission: to be a jerk to you and then suddenly turn nice. This tactic is designed to make you drop your panties when you realize he has changed his mind and seen deep inside for the special flower you are.
Says Trisha, 29, “This guy in the bar asked me if I modeled. I wasn’t even flattered. I mean, I’m not delusional. Please. I’m five foot-four. Then he said–in this real bitchy tone, ‘A hand model, I mean.’ Ha! That’s supposed to be like telling someone they have a face for radio, right? Then he ignored me completely and flirted with my friend until he turned to me and said something like, ‘Oh, you’re cute when you look pissed off.’ Later he asked for my number. When I finally stopped laughing, I told him he could contact me through my finger modeling agent.”
…The Census Taker
The Census Taker approaches you with a scripted question. Despite the fact that it’s rehearsed, it’s not particularly compelling.
Recently, I was in a bar with some friends and a guy wearing this large totemic-looking charm necklace approached me and my friends (In retrospect, I think his necklace was an example of conversation-starter “peacocking fashion flair“). “I need a female perspective on something,” he said. He was a little dorky, but he was confident and friendly. “My roommate’s girlfriend just found a shoebox he keeps hidden in a dresser drawer,” he told us. He then related some little scandal I can’t remember now.
And you know what? We were roped in. Completely. We began to give him our own expert opinions all at once. If someone asks you what you think, you just want to tell them. It’s hard to resist. (Especially if you’re in a bar and drinking beer.) In fact, we probably could’ve talked with him a long while about his roommate and his girlfriend and the roommate’s secret shoebox. But then suddenly the guy’s game switched into standup comedian mode, some bad Don’t-you-hate-it-when routine. “What’s with that?” he said. “But well, I’m a guy and we all know girls think different than guys. Didja ever notice how….”
It’s not like I was devastated to realize that this guy was running a pick-up routine. He was an average-looking guy, but one me and my friends would’ve probably kept talking to if it hadn’t suddenly become so abundantly clear he was performing from a script. It was weird to feel the shift from Friendly Opinion Sought to Target Engaged. And I think that’s what’s so tragically comic about That Guy. When he comes up to you at a bar, in the club, or at a party, what starts out as potentially fun flirtation rapidly degrades into a computer game.
But maybe I’m being a princess. What’s the lamest pick-up routine you’ve ever come across?