Category: Everything Else
Fairytales have a romantic innocence associated with them due to the fact that they are told to children before bed so as to help them conjure wonderful dreams and develop a healthy conscience having learned lessons from these stories. However these stories lose their innocence and morality the older you get. Here are the real morals of some of the most beloved fairytales.
All step family members are evil, and you must wait for a prince to come to your rescue. Men have brains and women-folk are just good for lookin’ pretty, cleanin’ up, cooking and singing. Don’t hurt your little head with thinking, it’s not good for you.
Hansel and Gretel
All adults hate children. The woodcutter’s second wife abandons the kids in the woods twice, the witch turns Gretel into a slave and treats Hansel like an animal to be fattened before being slaughtered and cooked, and the woodcutter allows his kids to be left for dead since food was so scarce. The children then murder the old lady who was going to eat them and return to their cowardly father. The only moral to be drawn is that the world is cruel and the only way to survive it is to inflict cruelty as well. Now sleep tight, kids!
All step family is evil and men are always the solution to your problems, we can’t stress that enough.
The Little Mermaid
If you dislike something about yourself, all you have to do is change it and becomes something entirely different and leave your whole family and life behind. Why work on your self esteem when you can hack off the part of you that you don’t accept?
Let’s just make this perfectly clear, once and for all. As a girl, you have no useful purpose in life until a man comes along and adds spice and color to it. What are you talking about, what is this feminism thing? Some kind of new work-out to make your body more appealing? If so, go for it. Also, witches be crazy. They just do evil things just to be evil. No motives necessary. Stay away from magic.
Little Red Riding Hood
Pay attention is biology class. The author probably thought that foxes ate in the same way as pythons. Had he gone to those lessons instead of spending the afternoon smoking joints behind the bleachers, he would have known that Granny and Red Riding Hood would not have been swallowed whole and then chopped out, they would have been ripped to bloody shreds.
The Boy Who Cried Wolf
You can tell lies and have people believe you, just don’t tell the same lie every time.
The Frog Prince
If you tell the right chick you’ve got a lot of money, she’ll do just about anything to get it – even if it means kissing your ugly toad face.
Interspecies relationships are difficult. You’ll have toads and mice hitting on you, and you’ll have to explain how you’re not into fur or slime and someone always winds up hurt. It’s just more trouble than it’s worth.
The Ugly Duckling
Similar to this kind of advice: “If you want to feel thin, get a bunch of really fat friends.
Beauty and the Beast
If you can get a really ugly guy to lavish you with presents and take care of you even while you keep him in the friendzone, you have really made it in life. If you’re the only one who tolerates him he will have no choice but to keep trying! Way to go, classy human-being.
Goldilocks and the Three Bears
Don’t go into a bear’s dwelling!!! Ever! You will die!
Fun fact, at first the story consisted of three male bears living together and their house was entered by a foul, ill-mannered old woman.
The Three Little Pigs
Identify the strongest and smartest of those in your social circle and then follow their lead. It could save your life.
Alice in Wonderland
Drugs are fun and useful. What do you think those things that said ‘Eat Me’ or ‘Drink Me’ were? And how else do you think this story got written?
What are some of the more twisted fairytales you’ve come across?