Category: Everything Else
Television has a funny way of making detestable people like Michael Scott, Sheldon Cooper or Jenna Maroney into people that you spend time with once a week. Were they real life characters, you would avoid them like the plague. Still, at least we know that they are meant to be annoying. However what about those television characters who we are supposed to bond with? Is the magic of television and a character’s entertainment value getting in the way of our being able to see them clearly? Would you want to hang out with all your favourite television characters in real life? We’ve thought about it and the answer is: probably not.
- Barney Stinson
- Dr. Walter Bishop
- Hiro Nakamura
- Dexter Morgan
- Leslie Knope
- Gloria Delgado-Prichett
- Kate Austen
- Lucy Ricardo
- Jason Stackhouse
- John J.D. Dorian
- Fran Fine
- Lt. Horatio Caine
- Gregory House
- All Gossip Girl Characters
- Samantha Jones
- Lorelei and Rory Gilmore
- The Huxtable Family
- Monica Geller
- Kevin Malone
- Don Draper
Show: How I Met Your Mother
Womanizing, vain, a little too slap-happy when it comes to the high fives and absolutely cruel in his persistent misogyny; the idea that Barney Stinson has female friends at all is almost laughable. At least the others and especially Lily call him on it sometimes but mostly his horrible feats of cruelty are just looked over with a sort of resigned amusement. You left a girl alone in the woods in a tent and stole her car? Aw, boys will be boys, I guess. You pick up amnesia patients at the hospital? You go get ‘em, tiger!
This dude is cray-cray, obsessed with food and performed reprehensible experiments on human beings! Are we supposed to like him just because he went a little dotty? Well, it certainly makes watching the show easier if you don’t despise one of the main characters but would you ever sleep around Walter if you knew him in real life? Chances are you would wake up three months later with an arm attached to your forehead and the ability to control cheese telekinetically. This is one nutty professor who would creep you out.
Hiro: [cooking pancakes and flips one successfully] “Yataaaaa! Yataaaaaa!”
Angry neighbour: “SHUT UP!!!! You think you’re the Japanese Archimedes of the mundane or something? Every day you’re celebrating some stupid accomplishment. Say it again, I dare you. I will cut you!!”
Need any further illustration? Didn’t think so.
Dexter is CREEPY! He has this monotonous murmur of a voice, he’s obsessed with alliteration to the point of being really, ridiculously,repetitively riling. Oh, and then there’s the fact that he kills people. Yes, they are criminals. However, he sees and talks to his dead father all the time, he kills people, and he finds it difficult to have natural emotional responses. This is not the profile of your friendly neighborhood cop and family man. It is the profile of the person the friendly neighborhood cop and family man puts in prison for life.
Show: Parks and Recreation
Leslie Knope is the kind of boss you really don’t want to have. She is over-eager, overly ambitious and thinks her position has more importance than it really does. A Parks and Recreation department is really not such a big deal for her to get so fussy about, is it? If she were your boss she would interrupt coffee breaks and make you stay late nights just so that you can get minor details of little significance right. She ruins your dream of a secure and easy job as a civil servant and instead wants you to ‘work hard’ and ‘be passionate’ and ‘care’. Ugh. Had you wanted that involved in your career, you would have followed your dream to become a professional figure skater!
Show: Modern Family
Gloria is so loud! Using the mandatory cultural description: “fiery latina” is not nearly enough. She gets worked up and excited about so much and then shouts and snarls, and on the show it is funny and endearing but in real life – dear God. Someone would end up gifting her with a muffler. Here is a compilation provided by the New York Magazine:
The eternal tease, Kate spent seasons going between Jack and Sawyer. Who will she choose? The good boy, the doctor – or the bad boy with the rough edges and soft interior? One pleasant part of the ending of the show is that we don’t have to deal with that any more!
Show: I Love Lucy
While Lucy’s crazy antics were entertaining and absolute proof of female leads being of great comedic value in a time when assumptions were different, she would drive you crazy. How anyone so uncoordinated and good at ending up in troublesome situations, deception and generally annoying behaviour doesn’t end up getting put in a hospital either at their own clumsy hand or by an irritated one is fairly implausible.
Show: True Blood
Jason is so stupid and annoying! Jason messes everything up, gets involved with the wrong crowds, makes all the wrong decisions goes about everything the wrong way – he is just a screw up and it’s not even entertaining after a while. If you knew this guy in real life you would want to punch the daylights out of him but obviously wouldn’t. He can take a punch just as well as give one.
Imagine having a friend who always lapses off into daydreams in the middle of conversation. Similarly, Malcolm from Malcolm in the Middle would also be an odd friend to have – who is he always turning to to talk to? Why does he think he has an audience that needs exposition to clarify things and tell us what his internal monologue is? It’s just weird, guys, cool it.
Show: The Nanny
While we have learned to accommodate and even love Fran Fine’s voice and laugh it would really annoy you in real life.
Show: CSI Miami
A lot of people already hate the fictional character, we just assume that people would have an even more ardent hatred for him in real life. And somebody ought to get his sunglasses an agent, that thing’s been used so much it is basically propping up the show by itself!
Show: House M.D.
Dr. House has found a place in some viewers’ hearts as a misunderstood curmudgeon with a soft interior surrounded by a titanium shell. Most of those viewers who think that are probably girls who are sure that they could change him. However if your doctor ever said something even slightly bordering on some of the things that Dr. House has said to his patients, you would be lodging a complaint and seeking a doctor faster than House could find a new way to insult one of his colleagues with a racial or sexist slur. This guy is the definition of loveable because he is so hilarious and gets away with so much but still manages to be brilliant. However he would never last five minutes in the real world. And let’s not even talk about the heavy-handed psychoanalytic monologues that take place every seven minutes during the show. It always boils down to: ‘You are so miserable, you’re an idiot, you’re an ass but you just want to be loved!’
Show: Gossip Girl
They are supposedly loved by many with good ratings. This somehow got them onto the list.
If an asteroid fell on the Upper East Side it would be sad. But to be even more honest, it would not be. It would quash the scourge that is the whole STI-infected Gossip Girl cast. It was time to stop watching once it became evident that every single character would, at some point, end up sleeping with each other. These are the kids who you despised in high school. These are the rich preppy kids who made your shift at that fast food joint extra miserable. These are the kids who will be your future moronic boss or some idiot that you have to try to do business with. These are the people that crashed the economy. They created AIDS and will bring about the end of days in 2012.
Show: Sex and the City
If the Gossip Girl cast invented AIDS, this lady here helped to spread it. We have no problem with empowered women who express their sexuality however they want. However, her sexual obsession is more of a cry for help than anything. She is fun in the show but in real life this would be a friend for whom you threw a Sex Addiction Intervention.
Show: Gilmore Girls
While this dynamic duo was enchanting to watch, these two DO NOT SHUT UP. The rapid-fire wittiness would grow tiresome and shrill in real life.
Show: The Cosby Show
Another ensemble pick, this family was sickeningly perfect. If they existed in real life they would make your own family look like drug-addled mental patients in comparison. You would despise the Huxtable kids in your class – green with envy at their perfect little existence of family fun. You would run to their house with adoption papers, asking if Cliff and Clair would sign. When they refused you would burn down their home and get arrested and imprisoned for arson. Your whole life would be ruined. All because of those Huxtables!
Monica is an obsessive neat freak. The idea that everyone would hang out in her house is absolutely implausible and you would end up trashing her place just out of spite.
Show: The Office (U.S.)
The Office is filled with many a kooky character. However Kevin really makes very little sense and in real life surely would not be in your office or at least would soon be on his way out. He is simply too moronic and you would end up picking up the slack.
Show: Mad Men
Don Draper is a sexist, alcoholic, emotional cripple. Sure, it’s fun to watch but he’s not someone you would want around unless it’s to get a sudden burst of virility (for guys) or to reinforce your new-found feminism (for girls and guys).
Think the list is missing someone? Did we completely misunderstand one of the characters? Leave a comment below!